Radio Episode 3 Annotated Transcript

Stephen: We present Whose Line Is It Anyway? and here's your chairman, Clive Anderson:

Hello, hello, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? a program of ready wit and spontaneity whose very title sounds like a piece of improvisation, albeit not a particularly good one. This week we have with us:

• As usual, John Sessions, the thinking man's Mike Yarwood
• And Stephen Fry, the thinking man's John Sessions
• Also Nonny Williams, the actress and writeress
• And last but not first, Jimmy Mulville, star of the cult Channel 4 late-night comedy series Who Dares Watch, uh, Who Dares Wins

Authors

Now, our first game is called "Authors". Each contestant has come along with an author that uh, in whose style he or she is prepared to improvise a story. And perhaps I'll start by just getting from the various contestants who their authors are. Who have you come along as, Stephen Fry?

Stephen: "Sir" Jeffrey Ahhh... Archer

"Sir" Jeffrey Archer.

Stephen: Yes. Ahhhrcher "Sir" Jeffrey Ahhhrcher

You obviously know something we don't know. Has he been knighted? Course, by the time this goes out, he may've been knighted.

Stephen: Well, that's right, I'm looking to the future.

We live in hopes. And uh, Jimmy, which author have you chosen?

Jimmy: I've chosen the twentieth century Jane Austen, Jackie Collins.

Jackie Collins. Nonny?

Nonny: I think Geoffrey Chaucer.

Chaucer. Geoffrey Chaucer. And John?

John: The theatrical memoirs of John Gielgud.

Jolly good. Now, the story that uh, we'd like you to improvise is one which the audience is going to tell us, so if we can have a suggestion from the audience of a story, maybe a short story title that would be good various authors to tell a story.

Thomas the Tank Engine

Thomas the Tank Engine? You're out a bit late, I think, aren't you? Could we have more of a sort of suggestion of a story, not a specific story like that, but describing, you know, like, The Life of a Penny or something like that?

Jimmy: The Life of a Penny!

The Lost Sock

A Lost Sock. Thank you very much, sir. That is a suggestion rather than a complaint, isn't it? So the story title is, bizarrely, A Lost Sock. A lot of room there for narrative, and for doing a sequel, I should imagine. But uh, so starting off with, starting off then, please, Stephen, as "Sir" Jeffrey Arthur.

Stephen: Chapter One. Charles Henderson, MP, sat in his chair idly scratching his hip. Chapter Two. Somewhere, a telephone rings. [buzz]
Jimmy: Panatelle, for it was she, strode across the crushed velvet floor. She saw his throbbing manhood. "Your manhood is throbbing," she said. "Yes, I know. I must get it seen to." He was six foot two in his stocking feet. She was seven foot three. [buzz]
Nonny: Herewith swod she, "Where is that socky of which we have heretofore been asked to tell?" "I knowy noty. Ye have not mentioned to me no socky down at launderetty shoppe, but I feel in thee a new quality of socky." [buzz]
John: I think it was dear Madge Titheradge, in maybe 1936 or 1937, who always came to the theater, ordinary theater, stand in ordinary theater, and I remember Dame Edith Evans would stand next to the actors; she had to have her anchors. She simply had to have her anchors. Her anchors consisted always of a table if she was doing Ibsen, and uh, sometimes of an antimacassar if she was doing Henry Arthur Jones or Arthur Wing Pinero. Of course, in the event that she was doing a modern kitchen sink drama, she had to have a sock. [buzz]

Okay. I don't know if I want to carry on with that or do another story. I think we, we exhausted the sock there.

The Life and Times of a JCB

The Life and Times of a JCB.

Stephen: Right. Ahem. Chapter Nine. [whinny, blow] Oh, sorry, that was Dick Francis. Ralph "Digger" Murchison, an Australian excavator who knew the hiding place of the stolen jewels that Charles Henderson had been searching for... [buzz]
Jimmy: This was a very big tool. [buzz]
Nonny: When that Aprily gineth for to shinny and people go adown to B&Q and buy themselves Formica working toppys, then think I, I must hire the JCB-y. [buzz]
John: I've never worked a JCB before. I remember, I remember at one occasion, it was prob'ly 1954, Fiat had just done Venice Observed, and all of a sudden I, I realized it was the only way to react because all the young people this, wonderful young actors coming along, Albert Finney and people like that, bloody young muscular boys and um, they um, they're actually splendid with anything electrical, amazing with mechanical drills, JCBs, dumper trucks... [buzz]

Thank you very much. Thank you, there. Well, we managed two stories there, so I think I can give double points to everybody. Twenty points to everybody in that round.

Genre Option

The next game is called Genre Option, Genre Option. Um, two players, working as a team, will be given the setting of a scene, and they will improvise that scene. At any point, I'll stop them with my buzzer and ask you in the audience to supply a different style for them to act in, a theater style or a film style, um something like that. Um, so Stephen and Jimmy, the scene which I'd like you to start acting is that of an interrogator and a prisoner.

Stephen: Who is being the interrogator?

Um, you can...

Stephen: Who is going to be doing the interrogating? Who's going to do the interrogating, please. Answer the question. Who's going to be the interrogator?
Jimmy: Aggh! You can be the interrogator, Stephen.
Stephen: Thank you.

And Jimmy can be the prisoner, and um, just start off in your own style and then we'll get suggestions of a film or theatrical style from the audience when I stop you.

Stephen: Where is it? Oh, there it is. Sit down. Now, where were you last Friday?
Jimmy: I was at home.
Stephen: No, you weren't. You were in prison. You've been here for two weeks already. [buzz]

Disney.

Disney! We've got a Disney suggestion, so can we carry on in Disney characters?

Jimmy: [barking, meowing]
Stephen: Ha ha ha ha ha, little feller. [buzz]

Playskool.

Sorry? Playskool, that's sort of a style, I suppose.

Stephen: Now then,
Jimmy: Yes?
Stephen: What's the day?
Jimmy: Today's the day I got nicked.
Stephen: Mm-hmm. Now, where's Teddy?
Jimmy: I'm not telling you. [buzz]

Maybe a film style? Hang on, I got two different ones there. Western there, and what was your one?

The Sound of Music. John Wayne! Derek Jarman.

Jimmy: I'm not doing that!

Let's go with the Western. That seemed the most easy one to take on board.

Jimmy: Yep.
Stephen: [whoosh, ding] Now, boy,
Jimmy: Yep.
Stephen: You gotta tell me somethin'.
Jimmy: Yep.
Stephen: Now tell me straight away...
Jimmy: Yep.
Stephen: Where's my horse?
Jimmy: Uh, well, it's...
Stephen: You gonna dang take my horse, I gotta know where that horse is!
Jimmy: It's in, it's in my trouser pocket.
Stephen: Now, I'm gonna ask you to hand it over to me.
Jimmy: Okay. Here goes. It's a big feller.
Stephen: You're pretty slow on the draw with that horse.
Jimmy: This is my horse. Oh, good old Scottish; I don't know where that... you didn'a say the Wild West o' Scotland, did ye? Oh, here we are. It's a little horse from uh, Ibethra, the little... [buzz]

Silent movies!

Silent movies. Well, we'll just pause while that particular member of the audience is ejected. Hang on.

St. Trinian's

Don't get carried away. St. Trinian's, yes.

Stephen: Hoo hoo, Miss Gossage, Miss Gossage, Miss Gossage. Girls, girls, girls, girls, girls.
Jimmy: I don't wanna go. Please, please, please, please. Miss, it wasn't me, Miss, honestly. It was Lola. Hello.
Stephen: Now then, what have you been up to? Come on.
Jimmy: Nothing, Miss. Honestly, I haven't been doing anything. Who am I doing?!? [buzz]

Dynasty. Dallas.

Dynasty or Dallas, can you combine those two?

Stephen: Well, they have, so... You're a loser, Barnes. You're a loser!
Jimmy: I love her, for gods' sake. I love her!
Stephen: Well, you go out and buy yourself something real pretty, now, you hear?
Jimmy: I'm going into the shower; it might be some time. [buzz]

Thank you very much. Thank you. We'll end on that one. Thank you. I think five points each there to Stephen and Jimmy for a range of styles, never once mentioning interrogation. Well, now we go on to John and Nonny, and the scene that we'd like you to do is of a policeman trying to talk a suicide down off a roof. So we've got some more suggestions of styles of thea... Restoration? Restoration. Definitely some...

Nonny: You start.
John: Faith, madam, coming through Redhill this morning, I could not help noticing there, upon the roof, you stand bouncing like a bombiner.
Nonny: But you see, good sir, you have a well-tuned leg.
John: Aye madam, but I walk with a list.
Nonny: It's true you walk with a list, sir, and 'tis because you walk with that said list that I must therefore hurl myself from these heights. [buzz]

Film noir.

Film noir.

Nonny: You do not understand, Alain, how very important it is for my philosophy zat I kill myself; only zen can I be 'appy.
John: That's right. C'est vrai. [mumbled French]
Nonny: Comment? [buzz]

Pantomime!

Pantomime. That's a good one.

Nonny: Children, where is the pistol?
John: Behind you.
Nonny: I can't see it.
John: Behind you.
Nonny: I can't see it. Where is it, children?
Everyone: Behind you!
Nonny: Oh good! Oh good! Now I can kill myself. [buzz]

Thank you very much.

Nonny: Oh, yes I can.

Oh, another one? Another one? Another style?

Music Hall.

John: Cor blimey, I was walking down the road the other day, I was walking down the road the other day, she's on the roof, on the roof, the lady on the roof, the lady on the roof, you see. I says, "Madam," I says, "Madam, is that the [unintelligble] both of 'em. 'Ere's another one. She's on top of the roof, she's still on the roof.
Nonny: I say, with a husband like that, you'd be on the roof, wouldn't you? I ask you. [buzz]

Thank you very much. Let's end on that one, thank you. I think those were very good, so I'll give you four points each there just to be unkind.

Wrong Theme Tune

Now, now the next game is called uh, "Wrong Theme Tune". Again they'll be working in pairs, and they'll be acting out a favorite television or radio programme but in the style of a different theme tune. That's why it's called "Wrong Theme Tune". So, Stephen and Nonny, could you step forward? And you're to perform The South Bank Show, doing some sort of presentation on French impressionist painting. Got that? But you do it in, you do it in the style of this theme tune:

[The Archers theme]

Nonny: Plink, plink.
Stephen: D'ohhhhhhhhhhhh.
Nonny: Oh, Dan, I told you to get along down to that Tate Gallery.
Stephen: D'oh, I don't like them impressionists very much. I quite like um, what's he called, Bobby Davrot, but I don't like the other ones. That Degas didn't even look like anybody. It didn't look like Noel Coward.
Nonny: What you've got to understand, Dan, is the impressionists aren't just Degas. They do 'em pigs and all.
Stephen: Do they do pigs?
Nonny: They do 'em pigs. They do 'em chickens. But didn't you know in this here documentary what we're making about Toulouse Lautrec, he had swine fever and all.
Stephen: Nah, that Lautrec, he wasn't no impressionist.
Nonny: He was.
Stephen: No, he wasn't an impressionist, Lautrec.
Nonny: He was an impressionist. He did impressions of a very small man on his knees.
Stephen: No, he wasn't no impressionist. He was a kind of a fin de siècle kind of figure. That's what he was. He was a sort of fin... he wasn't a formalist! He was no formalist, no. [buzz]

Yes, thank you very much. Um, a definite eight points each there as we go on to John and Jimmy, John Sessions Jimmy Mulville, doing a commentary on the ballet from Sadler's Wells, or anywhere come to that, yeah, to this theme tune:

[BBC Show Jumping theme]

John: Um, coming over now, she's coming quite over the top of the [unintelligible] now. This is a [unintelligible] version that was fifteen hands when we last counted.
Jimmy: It was indeed. She got all the action, this girl. Oh, and there she goes. She's over the, she's over the water jump there. She's just over the swans. Lovely, lovely.
John: Yes, I think it's lovely when the tails go up at the end in that lovely part of their fashion. It's so very much Stravinsky annnnd also it seem like...
Jimmy: I don't like, I don't like these foreign riders they've got there, there. I can see him there, uh, is he a gelding? No, no he's not. No he definitely isn't. [buzz]

Yes, thank you very much. I think I'll give you ten points each there just to stop you.

Every Other Line

And we now move on to another game, which is called "Every Other Line". Now each person in a pair is given a script of a play to read out, and the other person has to improvise a completely different scene, but obviously going in with every other line of the play. So, does that make sense? I hope so. Uh, starting off, we'll have Nonny reading from a play called Strife by John Galsworthy, which I'm sure you've all read, and she'll be reading lines from that, whereas Stephen will be trying to improvise trying to end a relationship. And just to give you something to aim at, we'd like an end line to the scene that, that Stephen should be aiming at. So, have we got an end, a nice end line that somebody could suggest?

That's all for now, folks.

"That's all for now, folks." Has a certain finality ring to it, doesn't it? So, "That's all for now, folks," uh, Nonny reading from Strife, and Stephen improvising ending a relationship. Go.

Stephen: Um, Folksy, darling, I don't know how to.. I, uh, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm going to have to come right out with it. I hate you, and I want to leave you.
Nonny: It's all very well to smile. You want bracing up.
Stephen: Yes, I do want bracing up, and that's why I'm going to leave you. You depress me, Folksy.
Nonny: Do you think that'll be the wisest thing?
Stephen: Yes, I do, to be perfectly honest. I can't see other any other way round it. I'm having an affair, anyway.
Nonny: Thank you, milady, but I think you ought to marry me.
Stephen: You know, one of the reasons I've always hated you, Folksy, is that you never really seem to notice my body; it's just my mind you're after. You're so shallow.
Nonny: Yes dear, you can air it here.
Stephen: Well if, if things go on like this, I, I might stick with you, after all, you know?
Nonny: Anything the matter? You seem awfully down.
Stephen: Well, perhaps you couldn't just read me a few passages from French literature. That might perk things up a bit.
Nonny: Has father been giving you a time?
Stephen: Well, I'm sorry, but that's all there is, Folks.

Yes, I'd say fifteen each there for the reading and the improvising as we rattle on to John Sessions now reading from a play called Black-Eyed Susan by Douglas Jerrold, another play noticably out of copyright, and improvising to that, every other line of that is uh, Jimmy Mulville, obviously, and he'll be improvising a father explaining to his young son the facts of life.

Jimmy: What are they, Clive? Could you explain 'em to me first?

Just make 'em up if you don't know them. Right. I've got to get a last line from someone.

Whose child is it anyway?

Yes, "Whose child is it anyway?" I think that's uh, quite a ring to it.

Jimmy: "Whose child is it anyway?"

That's what you're aiming at. Don't just go straight in there with the final line.

Jimmy: So you're pregnant. Whose child is it anyway?

Thank you.

Jimmy: Uh, Tommy, come in here for a minute, will you. Just shut the door. Come in.
John: He was never known to disobey command.
Jimmy: No, no, put away the soldiers and come in, sit down. Now look, has your mother, no, well, she wouldn't know. Um, do you know... do you know about the... do you know how the bee... how we... how your mum and I... do you... Has... Look... I'm gonna make myself clear.
John: Well, I fixed it, anchored it fore and aft with chain-cable.
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, well, that's a start, certainly. Yeah, you do want to look after it because uh, hehe, it'll look after you. Now, what you do is you go out for dinner, you see, with the aforementioned lady...
John: What are you?
Jimmy: I am man. Now...
John: Does no one of your shipmates attend to speak to your character? Have you no one?
Jimmy: You're not... you're not doing that marijuana, are you son?
John: Why, he plays upon the fiddle like an angel.
Jimmy: Look, I've seen the girl, and I know she's up the spout, so you must know something about the facts of life.
John: Remove the prisoner.
Jimmy: I just want to know, whose baby is it anyway?
John: You plead guilty...

No! End there! Yeah, well twenty points each there, with a five point deduction for John for forgetting what the end line was.

Improvising a Rap

And now we come to our favourite game, favourite amongst everybody apart from the contestants. It's called "Improvising a Rap". And uh, we all know what a rap is. It's very easy to do, apparently, and uh, all they have to do is to, when the drumbeat gets going, is to improvise a rap on a topic which again, could somebody suggest for them to do, some nice wide topic?

Fish.

Fish is the subject. Starting with John.

John:
When you're swimmin' in the water down by Bermuda
You're gonna make yourself wash with a barracuda
You're gonna see every type of fish; you're gonna see every type of fin
And then you get out in the water, you're gonna get out again

Nonny:
If you wanna stay young, and you don't want a wrinkle
You should eat your haddock; you should eat your winkles
If you wanna keep a lodge of space
Eat your halibut; eat your plaice
Thank you. You. You!

Jimmy:
I don't like chops, and I don't like ham
I don't like lamb, and I don't like Spam
I don't like anything; I don't like gammon
Just give me a nice piece of salmon
Yeah!

Stephen:
Well, I rather like the weathermen, um... uh, they're so fearfully cool
There's Ian McCaskill; he's no fool
But uh, the one man in Britain I think's really delish
And that's that super sexy person, Michael Fish

Jimmy: Fish-ah!
Nonny: Fish! Who's go... who...

Jimmy:
You go down in the deep to have a look around
You swim, and swim, and poke, poke around
You don't know what to do or say
And then you see a very big stingray
Not very funny but it rhymes!

Stephen:
I saw a man the other day dangling his rod
Um, and uh, then he started fishing, um, by god
Uh... and uh... I, I saw what it was that he was landing
It was a piece of cod that passeth all understanding

Thank you. Thank you very much. Well, very good. I think at least twenty points to all of you, with a bonus one point to Stephen for having a rhyme this week.

Interviews

Uh, we're now going to have another round which is called "Interviews". Again working in pairs, starting off with Stephen and John, and we'd like John to pretend to be an interviewer from Rolling Stone magazine, and um, he's going to interview Stephen, but playing the part of a historical character. And again, a suggestion, if we could, from a mem...

Martin Luther. Richard the First. Queen Elizabeth the First! Oliver Cromwell. Napoleon.

Jimmy: Joan of Arc!

Well, a lot of suggestions came flooding out there. Um, I would have said that possibly Richard the First was quite, quite a good one.

Stephen: Richard the First?

Are you happy with that?

Stephen: Oh yes, yes, fine. I do what I'm told to do. It's all the same to me.

Go ahead then, John. John Sessions, you are the interviewer from Rolling Stone and Stephen is playing Richard the First.

John: It's a very ANR type of thing, of course, in the way that TIP and IXKF are very much non-Communard, no thank you very much, not coming back the long and winding road, so very much a case of whether Blondell is Mendel. Stephen: I see all my work as basically a kind of crusade. Um, the first one, as you know, rather flopped. It didn't work very well. Um, what, essentially what went wrong, as far as I could tell, was that we just didn't have the right group of people around us. I need um, I need a kind of, 'cause I write all the songs, as you probably know. Uh, I don't like to talk about that sort of
John: Was there pressure with Saladin?
Stephen: Yeah, there was pressure with Saladin. He eventually split up to form his own band uh, The Infidels.
John: Is that, is that Mick Saladin?
Stephen: No, The Infidels, they were, uh... Ooh! Gah! Sorry, got this bloody lion in my heart. I've been popping lions all day, um, but things were pretty bad at home when I got there.
John: Do you think, with the chain mail, you could be called heavy metal? Or, you know...
Stephen: No, no, I'm rather like a suitcase, you know? I resent labels and I'm hard to pick up.
John: Right. [buzz]

And that's such a punch line that I feel we've got to end there. Very good. Fifteen points each there to both of you there. And now going on obviously to Nonny and Jimmy, Jimmy this time playing the interviewer from The Sun newspaper. I don't know if you've ever read that. And Nonny playing a fictional, a fictional character from some work of fiction, female.

Charlie Brown.

Well, female, female I was thinking of more, you know...

Tess of the D'Urbervilles

Tess of the D'Urbervilles, that's very good, yes. Thank goodness we've got a literary member of the audience. No idea who Tess of the D'Urbervilles is, but there it is. So um, Jimmy Mulville playing the part of The Sun reporter and Nonny being Tess of the D'Urbervilles.

Jimmy: Miss D'Urberville...
Nonny: Tess.
Jimmy: Tess. Tess. Uh, how big are you? I mean...
Nonny: It depends what time of year it is. If he's planting in the Spring...
Jimmy: Forty inches, that right? Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, go on.
Nonny: I was telling you about my manglewoods, you see, one is very big. That's the one I plant, but the...
Jimmy: How do you stand with Dirty Dan?
Nonny: Who?
Jimmy: Dirt-y Dan. Dirty Dan. Dirty Dan.
Nonny: Oh, Dirty Dan.
Jimmy: Open them eyes. That's it. That's something.
Nonny: He, he, he be the village idiot, Dirty Dan. He be the one with the long straw coming out of his mouth.
Jimmy: Now, this bloke... aw, dee. That's it, ain't it? Aw, dee.
Nonny: Oh! Oh. Yes, that's right. Well, he was a great friend of mine, you see.
Jimmy: And is he a big boy?
Nonny: Well, you know what, I believe he is big in...
Jimmy: Bungalow Tom Holiday in Tess of the D'Urbervilles. How large, how large [buzz]

And uh, twenty points each there, yes.

Audition Piece

Well, now we go on to something called an "Audition Piece", and we have to imagine that I'm holding an audition for the role of Hamlet, and in their own time and just as they feel it, the members of the team here will be coming up and be the worst possible people to be playing Hamlet. Go.

Nonny: Well, it's uh, you see, I just finished at the Italia Conti Stage School, and I'm ten years old, and my mummy... and my mum and my agent... it's going to sound typical, but I'm really absolutely suited to the part... [buzz]

Next.

Jimmy: Um, so, I, um, I've got a slight problem. I should be honest about it. I can't pronounce my Bs. Um, it's the letter after S; you see I can't say it, B, but anyway I'll uh, here goes. Bo be, or nob bo be...

Next.

Stephen: Arthur Mayer. To be, or not to be, that is the question. [buzz]

Next.

John: [unintelligible] [buzz]

Next.

Jimmy: Um, it did, it did say on the door only people who were totally unsuitable to actually audition, and I spent four years with the RSC. [buzz]
John: [unintelligible Japanese] [buzz]

Congratulations. You've got the part. Well twenty points each there.

Winner

Oh, and the scores are very, very exciting, um hundred and... Oh! John came last, unfortunately, hundred and twenty-five, but winning this week is Jimmy Mulville!

Credits

The prize for winning is that um, he gets, he gets to read out the um, the end credits, and he'll do that in the style that I'll suggest to him. And if you could do it in the style of Murray Walker. Well that's the end of the programme for this week, so this is me, Clive Anderson, saying good-bye. Good-bye.

Jimmy: [screech, crash] Oh! Whose Line Is It Anyway? featured Stephen Fry, John Sessions, Jimmy Mulville, and Nonny Williams. In the chair was Clive Anderson. The show was devised and compiled by Mark Leveson with the producer Dan Patterson.